You Can't Take Me Anywhere...

I was in a local Christian bookstore with a couple friends when I had another encounter. The store was having some kind of special going on where you buy something and they pop a balloon to see what kind of discount you would get, ranging from 10% off to free.

So, I'm getting ready to buy (I only received 10% off) and this guy comes up to me. Now, to get the full effect you'll have to say this in your best Rain Man impression. You know, think "Just down the driveway." Keep saying your favorite Rain Man phrase over and over until you've got the voice lodged in your head. Ok, ready?

The man says, "So what's your name?"

I tell him and he looks at me and says, "It was good to meet you." Then he just trots off, leaving me confused, staring at my friends. They just look back at me as to say, "We don't know what just happened, either." In hindsight, I know what happened. I left the house...

No Really,
AWChris

They'll Sell Anything, To Anyone...

Well, I'm back looking for used music and stopping at pawn shops and as I'm approaching the store front, I see a man walking briskly on the other side of the street. It occurs to me that I should hurry and get inside the store because I'm too used to strangers approaching me and this looked all too familiar.

Oh so right... He sees me and changes directions, making a beeline for my position. I knew I wasn't going to make it inside the store in time. What do I do? Should I run and make it obvious I don't want the interaction. It's a split second decision and I waited a split second too long. He comes up carrying this box which, as he comes closer, I recognize as a carton of cigarettes.

He says, "Hey, man, you think you could do me a favor and take these cigarettes off my hands? I really need the money."

It's well known that I am allergic to cigarette smoke. My eyes turn red and feel like they're going to pop out of my head. My throat closes up and it's hard for me to swallow or breath. I become nauseous even being around someone that has smoked recently, let alone when they are smoking at that exact moment. My body can detect the slightest presence of smoke even if it's on, or should I say embedded in, someone's clothing. Breath mints don't really help disguise the presence on someone's breath because it's not the displeasurable breath that displeases my body as much as it is the exhalation of processed nicotine. Extended exposure makes me quite sick and even gives me a migraine. And, no, I've never actually smoked. I imagine I would have to be hospitalized if I ever decided to brave the pain.

So, did I buy his cigarettes? I think not.

And, no, I didn't explain to him why...

No Really,
AWChris

Now For The Weird...

Well, I've decided to switch to some stories which caused this web log to be created in the first place. If you remember early posts, I said that I've become known to some as the person to take along if you want something strange to happen during the evening. So, I'll share a few of those stories.

The first that comes to mind goes quite a few years back to when all my siblings lived pretty close to the same area. Hence, I was out with my brother in the Westport area. Now, I hear some familiar with the area are thinking that my story can't be too different than anyone else's due to the nature of Westport, but what I can say is that once you add all the stories together, it begins to look like I might have a case.

Anyway, we were stopping at a few pawn shops and discount music stores that day. On the way back to our car, which happened to be parked near an establishment named "The Pink Garter," I was approached by a man in a long coat. Now, I had seen an incident on television similar to what I'm about to tell, but it never dawned on me that I'd be experiencing it first hand. I tell you no lie when I say the man rolled up his sleeve presenting an armful of watches and bracelets. When I declined his offer, he finished off the made-for-tv event by opening up his jacket showing the liner covered in necklaces. Am I sure I don't want to buy? I'm not even sure I wanted to be there...

No Really,
AWChris

One More? (Hey, Where You Been)

Ok, so there's no real excuses for not posting for so long. Originally there were some highly personal matters to attend to. These took up about two or three of the months that are missing, but the rest of them ended up being that I had been in the habit, at that point, of not posting. In that time, I've had another traffic experience to report. Then, if nothing else in that arena occurs, I will move on to some other topics.

So, here's the scoop. I was nearing the stop sign that is my last before I am home from work. This would be the intersection of you've got to be crazy to think I'd give you my address over the internet... Anyway, another car is approaching from directly across. That would be opposite me... The driver can tell that I'm going to be the first one at the stop sign, and therefore, he's going to have to stop longer than if he were first. Well, apparently some people find that extra five seconds to be unacceptable. So, he accelerates down the hill, barreling straight through the intersection. That's right, no stop at all. Since when did the rule change to "Stop, or if you can tell you won't cause an accident because everyone else knows your intentions, don't stop!"

No Really,
AWChris

Ok, So There's One More...

Just when I thought it was about time to switch subjects, I see another incident to relay. That's right, it just happened to me today on my way to work.

I'm headed north on 69 Highway towards Excelsior Springs, Missouri, when I see a red pick-up truck swerve in behind me. I see his intentions are to slalom between the car in the left lane and my car and I think he's going to cut it pretty close. Some would say it would be fun and cool to slow down so that he would hit me and be at fault, but I'm thinking I don't have the time, patience, or resources to worry about getting in an accident. So, I speed up a little.

As he goes by me I see him gesturing vehemently to the driver in the left lane, firing birds with both barrels. He's flailing his arms in what I can only relate to the Seinfeld episode where George is nicknamed Koko because of his tirade towards a coworker. I'm guessing he was feeling the other driver should not have been in the passing lane so that he could have come through at his high rate of speed which I would have estimated at more than 20 mph over the limit.

What's funny is that he slows down for some reason, maybe to continue firing his missiles. He moves over to the right lane, perhaps to demonstrate the correct driving procedure, all the while he's still got his left blinker on. Then he swerves back into the left lane, still with his left blinker on which I guess would be correct in this case.

No Really,
AWChris

Deer Crossing Guard...

It's been awhile, but I know it's worth the wait. This would be, up to this date, my most famous and favorite traffic story. It also happens to include animals which I know will make it oh so cute.

I was traveling east on 92 Highway, just outside of Smithville, Missouri. More specifically, I was just coming into Smithville. It was getting dark but still light enough to see without headlights. In fact, I don't think many of us had them on quite yet.

I always try to keep an eye out for anything out of the ordinary and be a defensive driver, and, in the case of this evening, I see a lone deer trot down a hill from the north. He comes out into the middle of the road, forcing me to slow down. Then, because he decides to stop and stay in the middle of the road, I come to a complete stop myself.

I'm looking at this deer and wondering what I should do when I see him turn his head back in the direction he came from. You'd think I'd heard him whistle when I see three more deer trot down the hill. Oh, they're in no hurry either... Once they are all the way across the road, the crossing guard follows after them. Did I see him nod at me right before leaving the road? I must be hallucinating...

I still picture this deer wearing an orange vest and carrying a hand held stop sign.

No Really,
AWChris

Stupidity In Bulk...

I realize different parts of the country have different stores and we have a wholesale style store here in Missouri that is a spin off of the Wal-Mart franchise. It's called Sam's Club, after the originator's name. One of the first things to know about a store like this is that everything is in bulk lots.

Well, I'm leaving Sam's after doing a little necessity shopping and I realize that there is an accident near the exit intersection. I almost get myself caught in the line of traffic waiting for the police to shop up, direct traffic, and clear the way. But, I'm quick on my feet, or in this case you'd say quick on the accelerator. I make a right turn to go behind a closed down restaurant because I know there's another exit. Not only is there another exit, but I'm planning on taking a right turn out of said exit so I'm completely avoiding the accident. Brilliant right!?

You don't know how right you are... Everyone else sees my plan unfolding and decides I'm brilliant as well. They all begin to follow and even turn around out of the line they were sitting in. This would be flattering if the people weren't so stupid. See, the road is not completely blocking traffic so there is still traffic coming from my right and left (left being where the accident is at the cusp of the exit). So I pull up to make my right turn and another car decides to make a left turn lane which doesn't exist legally on this side street. Then they pull out quickly into traffic without really looking because they were in a hurry to be a part of their own accident. They must have been assuming nobody could come from our left because of the accident, but they were wrong. They pulled right out in front of an oncoming car that had to slam on its brakes. No accident yet... The stupid driver waved at the oncoming car in thanks and apology and almost hit another car coming from the right. For only being one lane, some of these drivers have managed to make three lanes and almost create three to four accidents all in the same location. I guess it was a Sam's mentality. Everything in bulk. At least the police would have only had to be at one location to mop up. But who'd get the stories straight with that kind of free for all?

No Really,
AWChris